To Be Selfish
by And She Would Fall Xx
Summary: Riku knew he didn't deserve Sora, but sometimes, emotions just can't be helped. And besides, everyone needs to be a little selfish now and again... Oneshot Onesided?Sora/Riku


**A/N: Hey guys! I know I should be focusing on finishing The Boy Next Door, but I couldn't help myself. I love this song, and thought that it would make a great fan fiction : ) I don't know if this is amazing, but I did my best. The song that inspired this fic is Of All the Gin Joints in All the World by Fall Out Boy. Hope you like it!**

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The sky was clear, light emanating from every star, contrasting heavily with the black velvet surrounding them. Palm trees swayed in sync with the light breeze that the sea provided. A boy sat on the sand, his legs hugged to his body, his chin resting on his knees. The scene of serenity gave no hint as to the devastation that had occurred here so long ago. The waves had no recollection of the perils of that fateful night, and crashed down carelessly on the shore. The moon showed no sign of remembering that tonight, two years ago, so many lives were destroyed; it shined tonight as brightly as it would any other night.

The boy, however, knew exactly what had happened. Riku could remember the night that the Heartless had come to peaceful Destiny Islands perfectly.

He recalled how the harsh wind felt on his face as he stared at his home being torn to pieces. He remembered how the soft moonlight had reflected off of the violent waves, making them appear more surreal then ever before. And he could picture exactly the devastation on his best friend's face as Riku slipped away into the darkness. The only things he couldn't remember were the two things that should be most prominent in his mind: fear and sadness.

And then, all he knew was darkness. Darkness which spurred numbness. Numbness that turned into something else soon after he found that Sora had chosen his new friends over Riku. His numbness turned into sadness. Sadness turned into hatred. His hatred consumed him, molded him, shaping him into a new person. Time flew by without his knowledge. Anger churned within him, until it was nearly unbearable.

And then… light. A bright, searing light that melted all that he had come to be. Light. Sora. _His_ light. Showing him a path out of the impenetrable darkness. Out of the hatred. Out of the anger.

And now Riku sat on the beach, wondering how Sora had forgiven him. He knew very well that he did not deserve Sora's kindness. He had turned his back on his friends, and even worked tirelessly to destroy him.

Riku punched the sand. Why had he done this? He gritted his teeth as he tried to remember the most important detail of that night: Why had he been so unafraid of the darkness? He tried as hard as he could, but found that he couldn't remember a rational explanation for why he had turned his back on everything and everyone. For why he had turned his back on Sora. His best friend. The boy who trusted him so implicitly, and who had forgiven him almost too quickly. The boy he loved.

He stood up suddenly, shattering the air of calm that had settled itself around the beach. He walked briskly to the shore line. He kicked off his shoes and took his shirt off swiftly, and then walked forward 

and dove into the cold ocean water. He floated deeper into the water, each thought that he repelled from his mind feeling like a burden lifted from his shoulders.

Betrayal.

Guilt.

Anger.

Love.

They drifted away from him, floating along in the ocean miles away from him.

The liberation he felt as he floated on his back without aim was immense. An escape from his own thoughts was exactly what he needed. Time had no meaning. Seconds turned to minutes, minutes turned to an hour. The moon rose steadily higher in the sky, rewarding him with its dreamlike glow.

Vaguely, he registered the fact that his name had just been called. He cast aside the thought, considering it unimportant for the time being. Merely a trifle. And when his name was called again, louder and more urgently this time, Riku barely even noticed. He was in his own world right now, where nothing mattered except for the feeling of the cool ocean water on his back, and the rest of his life ahead of him. The past was truly in the past, not even bothering to rear its ugly head in his mind.

He heard the sound of splashing in the distance, and not the kind that was welcome at the present. Someone was swimming towards him rapidly, disturbing the trancelike state Riku had managed to create. He grasped at what remained of his peace, but he couldn't deny that one by one, the thoughts he had cast away were finding their way back to him.

"Riku!" he heard a voice shout, crystal clear, destroying what was left of his tranquility. He sighed, and began to tread water. As he slowly opened his eyes, he could faintly make out against the dark water a head of brown spikes bobbing towards him quickly.

"Sora?" Riku asked quietly, unwilling to be too loud, as if scared to shatter the stillness that had already been destroyed.

"Riku," The brunette breathed, relief evident on every feature of his dimly lit face. Under the water, his small hand reached for Riku's pruned hand, the result of having spent an unknown amount of time in the water.

"Let's go to the shore." He said, gripping Riku's hand tightly.

Riku, who was incredibly confused, nodded. They made their way slowly back to the beach. Riku hadn't realized before this how far he had allowed himself to be carried out by the sea. If he had gone much further, he would not have been visible from the shoreline. He suspected that the surprisingly long swim could have been much more efficient if Sora had allowed them the use of both of their hands, but held his hand firmly, as if he was afraid that Riku would disappear if he let go.

Once they made it back, they walked to the dry sand to sit down, and Sora released Riku from his iron grip.

Riku looked nervously at Sora, who looked like his emotions were tearing him in two separate directions. He cleared his throat lightly, to make sure the smaller boy remembered his presence. It worked. Immediately, Sora turned to glare at Riku, giving him the harshest look Riku had ever seen him wearing. He wondered what he had done to upset the boy so much.

And suddenly, Sora threw himself at Riku, locking his arms around the older boy, and releasing a shaky breath into Riku's bare chest. Riku felt his arms curl around the boy as an automatic response. While he didn't mind being in this position with Sora, he wondered if he had ever been so confused in his life.

After a few moments of silence, neither boy moving from the other's grasp, Riku couldn't ignore the confusion he felt any longer. "Sora, tell me what's going on," he demanded quietly. Sora pulled back abruptly, and Riku was stunned to see wetness gleaming on his face.

"You've been gone for _hours _andnobody knew where you were! That's what's going on! You're mom called my house three hours ago. She said that you had left to go take a walk two hours earlier, and you hadn't come home yet." Sora paused to sniffle. "She was getting really worried, so I said I'd go look for you. I walked around town for hours before I thought to check here. I thought that this would be the last place you would want to be today!"

Comprehension dawned on Riku. He had everyone worrying about him for no reason. So that he could sit in misery and sulk by himself.

"And then, when I got here… I saw those," Sora gestured to his discarded shirt and shoes that were lying, forgotten, in a nearby heap. "But I couldn't see you. I thought you had…" Sora gritted his teeth together and continued, "I thought you had _drowned_, Riku!"

Riku was horrified. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt the boy, and yet it seemed to be all he was good at. He pulled Sora into his chest once more, burying his face in the unruly chocolate locks. "I'm sorry," he whispered again and again, "I'm _so_ sorry."

"You should be." Sora mumbled.

Riku nodded, pulling back from the petite boy, keeping just one of Sora's hands in his grasp.

The two sat together silently, staring up at the brilliant night sky.

Riku's mind continued to wander back to the intertwining fingers that connected the two. It felt so… natural. So right. And yet, Riku knew he didn't deserve the perfect boy sitting next to him. He sighed, pulling his hand away slowly and placing it in his lap. Sora turned to Riku and tilted his head slightly,

"It's… it's been two years." Riku breathed, staring down at his hands unseeingly.

"Yes," Sora agreed. "And everything is just as it should be. You, me, and Kairi. We're all together now!" He smiled warmly.

"You aren't… upset… at all?" Riku asked cautiously, somewhat afraid to know the answer.

"Why would I be upset? Everything we fought for is right here, Riku. We made amazing new friends, and we still have each other. It all turned out perfectly." Sora said, frowning a bit now.

Riku snapped, "This is everything you were fighting for, Sora! I was just making everything more difficult for you! The whole time, I was nothing but another burden to you!"

"Riku- what are you-" Sora started.

Riku cut him off, "Why are you even sitting here with me right now?"

Sora looked at him sadly. "Well, if you want me to leave, I will…"

"No." Riku groaned. Why could Sora be so impossibly naïve? "Why aren't you furious with me, Sora? I've thought about it so many times, and I just can't figure it out! I tried to _kill _you, Sora," he said, fighting back tears now. "I don't deserve this! Any of your kindness! How did you forgive me so easily?"

The brunette looked thoughtful for a moment, raking his fingers absently through the warm sand. "I just couldn't stay angry at you," he finally answered. Pausing again for a moment, he grabbed a handful of sand, and held it in his fist. Both boys watched as sand steadily fell to the ground from his closed hand. "I guess it's like trying to hold on to this sand. As much as you might want to, it finds ways to leak out, until there's nothing left." He opened his hand to reveal that all of the sand had fallen to the ground. "I couldn't be angry for too long, you're my best friend."

Riku was stunned silent for a few moments. Once he regained the ability of speech, he asked, "Why?"

"I…" Sora was thrown off guard by this unexpected question. He shook his head and looked Riku directly in the eye. "You've always been there for me, Riku. Since before I can remember. You've helped me through a lot of stuff, and always listened to me when I needed someone to talk to." Sora furrowed his brow as he tried to think of the exact words he wanted to say. "I just… I love you, you know? I love you. You are, and always will be, my best friend." Sora smiled, and Riku was pretty sure his heart stopped for a moment. Sora _loved_ him. Maybe not in the way that Riku loved Sora, but he knew he already had much more then he deserved.

Riku let a peaceful smile wash over his troubled features. He reached his hand over, and placed it lightly atop Sora's once more. For a few minutes, they sat together peacefully, enjoying just being together for the moment.

"We should probably go tell everyone you're alive.." Sora said. Riku agreed resentfully. They stood up slowly, neither of them looking forward to what would be awaiting for them at home. Riku walked over to where he had discarded his clothing, and put them on slowly. And then, finally, they were on their way home.

"Hey, Sora?" Riku said after taking a few steps in silence.

"Yeah, Riku?"

"I love you, too." He smiled at the boy walking beside him, and Sora beamed back at him.

Maybe he didn't deserve Sora… but Riku had always been a little selfish, anyway.


End file.
